The Promise I Cannot Keep
by KC Pendragon
Summary: Post-finale. In the hospital, Kensi demands to see Deeks, though she still isn't sure about how she feels about the kiss. However, she is even less prepared to deal with the aftermath of Deek's torture and a startling confession from him crumbles every wall she built. Warnings on profile.


**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS: LA or any of its characters.**

**Official warning is on, my profile, but because someone wasn't happy with my particular ending, I'll put another warning here: this story is not happy. That's all I'm saying, because otherwise I'll spoil the ending.**

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_He spoke again as if he hadn't just shattered his promise and her security. Her house of glass now lay in a pile of shards_. - Aleatha Romig, _Consequences_

When she arrived at the hospital, the first person she saw in the waiting room was Callen. Immediately, she raced into his open arms, thankful he was still alive. Yes, he had a few bruises and was bleeding a little from some scrapes, but he was upright and intact.

"The bombs?" she asked.

"Secure in our custody," he assured her. He took in her haggard appearance, assessing her for any damage. Other than a nasty punch to the shoulder, Kensi felt fine. She had seen Michelle to the ER and then went to find out about the rest of the team. "Sidorov is in the CIA's hands and we're letting them deal with the media."

"Good," Kensi replied, grateful that their hard work did not go to waste. "How are the guys?"

"Sam's dealing with third degree burns from electrocution and they're watching his heart. The doctors say he's lucky to be alive, what with how much voltage he dealt with, plus he nearly drowned earlier." He stopped there and suddenly Kensi was afraid to ask. However, she hadn't become an agent by her cowardice, so she plunged forward.

"And Deeks?" she asked, stealing herself for the answer.

"It's not good, Kens," Callen admitted. "He went through hell and back. Sam said that he refused to give up Michelle no matter what."

"How bad, Callen?" she insisted. "Just tell me."

"They aren't sure he'll last the night," he admitted.

She had been expecting it. Prepared herself for it, even. But it still came as a punch to the gut.

Still, she had to be strong. She was an agent. She could disarm a man twice her size. She took on two deadly women and came out on top.

So why couldn't she be strong enough to deal with this?

"I want to see him," she said suddenly.

"Kensi, he's very weak. I don't know if..." but he stopped at the determined look she gave him, refusing to accept defeat. "Fine." Walking over to a nurse, he began a hurried conversation with her. After a few minutes and a couple of words that Kensi believed to be swears in Russian, the nurse nodded and beckoned Kensi to follow her.

Trotting behind the nurse, she mentally prepared herself for what she might see. There could be any number of things that might have happened to him. Callen hadn't been very forthcoming with information after all.

And yet again she found herself unable to handle the truth. The nurse left after opening the door and checking that Deeks was stable. Kensi, however, walked forward and collapsed onto the floor next to his bed.

"Deeks," she breathed. "Oh, God, how did this happen?"

His face was almost unrecognizable. Nearly all of it was covered with bandages and a strong smell of antiseptic radiated from his face. His hands, which had been strong and whole before, were crooked.

At least, where there were hands to be found.

His left hand was completely covered in bandages, but she noticed the gap where his middle and ring fingers should be. On his right hand, all his fingers were wrapped in braces. The palm of his hand was covered by another bandage. She suspected either there was a gaping hole or there would be a big scar in the end.

The strips of arm uncovered by bandages were an array of bruises and lumps. They disappeared into the bandages on his chest, which was wrapped in a way that was similar to the time he was shot. She hoped he was strong enough to make it through this time too.

It was a terrible testament to how dedicated he was. Even after all that, he still hadn't given up Michelle. He had saved their operation. He was a hero.

Suddenly his eyes fluttered open. "Hey there, Sunshine," he said. It broke her heart by just how weak it was.

"Hey," she said, giving him a slightly watery smile.

"So are we good? Sidorov is gone?"

"He's no longer a threat, yes," Kensi clarified, now getting up and sitting in the chair by his bedside.

"Good, cause I was worried I had sacrificed my good looks for nothing," he said, giving her a half smile.

However, that was more than enough. She saw plenty.

His gums were covered in gauze and bandages. No wonder his voice was so weak and his words were all mumbled.

"Does it hurt to talk?" she asked.

"Not really. They've got me all nice and drugged up," he reassured her. She can see the haze of oblivion in his eyes that is a trademark of narcotics.

"Callen told me that you didn't give Michelle up. How did you do it?" She found herself really wanting to know. From the injuries he had, she wondered if she would be able to withstand that kind of hell.

"I thought about if our roles were reversed, how I'd feel if the life of the most important person to me was in the hands of someone else. I knew that I'd expect the same of Sam if you were in the same situation as Michelle. Not just because you're his friend, but because you mean so much to me."

This declaration did not phase her. After all, he had kissed her only a few hours ago. She was still deciding how she'd respond to that.

"Also, I guess there was also a part of me that just wanted to show Sam that I can be a good cop." This was mumbled even more, which made Kensi think it was more of him talking to himself than her.

"Why would you think that?" she asked.

"Just a conversation we had earlier." Deeks brushed it away with a weak wave of his hand. "How are you?"

"A couple of bruises, but they'll heal," Kensi replied absentmindedly. Now that she was reminded, she realized she was still trying to work out her response to the kiss.

"So I have to ask," Deeks said after a moment. "Have I not been punched yet because my health is in critical condition or because you actually liked it?"

"What?" Kensi asked.

"You know 'what'," Deeks said. "The kiss I gave you right before you hightailed it out of there."

"I did not 'hightail it out of there'," Kensi argued. "I had to keep up with Michelle."

"Right," Deeks said, not believing it for a second. "And you couldn't even give me a response?"

"You kind of had me in shock, all right?" Kensi admitted. "It's just, after all this, our 'thing' is now right out in the open. It was sudden and I wasn't sure how to tell you. Hell, I wasn't sure _what_ to tell you!"

"Do you know now?" he asked.

She thought about it. She didn't want their partnership ruined, which somehow she felt it would be if they went further with this. Not only would it be likely that Hetty would separate them (so as not to create a conflict of interest), but if it didn't work out (which she was all too certain it wouldn't) then they could never return to the easy comfortable banter she so craved. She didn't want to lose another partner.

If she was smart, she would tell him he was no more than a friend.

If she was smart she'd ignore that part of her heart that was screaming at her right now.

However, as she looked at her partner, broken and in pain, she wasn't sure being smart was the right choice.

In all her deliberations, Deeks was guaranteed to come out alive and come back to NCIS. However, she knew that the chance of that wasn't nearly as high as she wanted it to be.

No, Deeks would come back to her. He _had_ to.

Her choice really was already made up for her.

And what did she have to lose?

If she was being honest with herself, the only thing at the moment that she could see herself unable to live without was him. Everything else could be dealt with in their own time.

So, ignoring any doubts, she bent over and pressed her lips to his.

Understanding that he was probably in plenty of pain without adding extra pressure to his teeth, she kept it light and short. However, even that left her wanting more.

"Yeah, I think I do," she nodded.

"Good," Deeks said, letting out a sigh of contentment. "Well now that were through with that, I'm going to have to apologize to you Fern."

"Apologize? For what?" Kensi couldn't think of anything he had done against her... recently.

"Well, it's actually a little in advance. I just wanted to say, I'm sorry I'm going to have to break the promise I made to you earlier."

"What promise?" Kensi asked. She had a suspicion, but she was afraid of voicing it out loud.

"I promised you I wouldn't get myself killed. I'm sorry that I can't keep it." He gave her a small smile, and that's what broke her heart: not only had he admitted that he would die, he had accepted it.

"No, Deeks, you'll get through this," Kensi insisted. Now that she had admitted that she couldn't live without him, she wasn't willing to let him go at all. "You've just got to keep going."

"Kens, Kens," he said, but she wouldn't listen, babbling about how he still had to finish teaching her how to surf and other things that didn't really matter. He still kept it up and eventually she fell silent. "It's ok. I'll be ok and you'll be ok. You're Kensi Blye, the toughest agent I know -"

"Don't let Sam hear that," she laughed weakly.

"- and a fighter," he finished with a wry smile. "Just make sure that whoever gets my desk keeps it neat. And find a good home for Monty. Never did get to say goodbye to him. Hope he'll understand."

"Deeks," Kensi warns, begging him not to go further. She's worried she won't keep it together if he does.

"Sorry," he says.

Somehow, she doesn't know why, but that word sets her off. Suddenly she is crying harder than she has in years. The last time she cried like this was the day her father was killed. During his funeral, she swore she would never cry like that again.

Except, apparently she hadn't expected another man to fill a place in her heart as big as he had.

Now she was forced to accept that the only other man to have made such a big place in her heart was going to leave her too.

So, just then, Kensi allowed herself to cry.

Even though her head was telling her that this wasn't right, that she should keep talking to Deeks and be strong for him, she couldn't stop herself.

Right then, she stopped being the agent and let herself be the woman who was losing another part of her heart.

She didn't stop crying even as his hand stopped stroking her head and simply rested on her crown, feeling as though it had always belonged there.

She didn't stop crying when the heart monitor stopped beeping.

She ignored the people around her saying useless things like "time of death" and "you need to move".

Instead, she let her guard down and wept for what she had lost.

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**Yeah, please don't kill me.**

**This came soon after I saw the finale on Wed and I wanted this up sooner, but you all deserve some time and editing.**

**So if you guys want to be cheered up, go read my other story (_Telephone_) if you haven't already. Deeks is still alive in that one!**


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